Monday, January 17, 2011
My hazel eyed girl.
I think of the times I have heard or have said in the past, "I don't know what I would do without my parents, my mom, or my dad," and now I see to find the words ironically funny, odd if you will. The reason being is because I have now found out what I would do without one of my parents, my best friend, my matron of honor. Do you want to know what I found out? I lived.
Now please, keep it mind this mental picture. The moment Mark came to me while I was sitting in a chair in fron of my computer, frantically trying to get in touch with my daddy back in the States and said what I had already feared and yet some how knew, "Talya, your mother passed," I immediately dropped, as Mark held me on my way down, lower and lower, until I was lying on the cold floor. I chanted no, that was all, simply, no. What happened next? My brain became full of information hearing the voice of my mother, father, Mark, Paul, God. I wanted to tell everybody. What was going to be a day of cleaning and visiting Menewsha.com for the upcoming holiday event very soon took a turn for the, "I have to get to Ohio." I facebooked, I posted a thread on my menewsha.com avatar site, and most of all I cried, I was in pain. The feelings of telling everybody soon went to I don't want to talk to anybody. I talked to my dad, which thankfully for Sara and Justin Cook, I was able to call him with their phone as except for Skype which was down for the day, I had no way of calling the States. I talked to Mark, at Mark, it was all a blur because Mark had to act on my behalf. Mark tasked himself with washing dishes, clothes, as well as calling his bosses. I talked to Paul, and I couldn't remember a thing we talked about, I just remember saying, "I am thankful she wasn't in pain." My Aunt had contacted Red Cross. In a very short amount of time, I was on my way to Ohio, but not my home. During this time, I cried. If I talked to my boss on the phone I stopped, to Mark's bosses, I kept it as together as I could in a trance. I drove back home from on base and I could hear my mother's voice telling me, "Don't drive while you are upset, wait for Mark to be with you." So as soon as I was in the comfort of my husband's arm, I cried. This happened off and on for days. I had a wall up for some people, actually I would like to think it strength from God, and did not cry while having to do tasks I had to do. Though picking out my mother's funeral flowers and poem to go inside her funeral cards proved to be too much for me, God gave me the strength to be the leader of my family. My step father, "Pops," needed me and I had to be there for him. Now 28 days after my mommy's death I am still here, breathing, hurting, choking, walking, doing. I lived.
It is the worst pain I have felt in all of my 29 years. Not trying to sound old or young, just stating a fact. Anyone who knows my mother or me knows what we mean to each other and the relationship we had...have. There is only one Talya Mercedes Hood Scott and I had only one Pat Florence Gwilym as my mother, the woman that with God and my father gave me life. This is the woman that let a stranger follow her home so that she could give her a pink Victoria's Secret Santa Claus hat. This is the woman that said to me when I was 12, "I am going to keep spanking you until you cry." This is the woman that when I was 10 and feeling low sent a bear and balloons to my school for me just to let me know I was being thought of, even though we were getting canned food from the church because times were hard. This is the woman that bought me Tommy Hilfiger jeans while she was shopping at Wal Mart for herself. She loved her bi-racial child not for the novelty. She raised me with firm kindness dispite of her abusive childhood. She gave me a childhood, she gave me life, she gave me love. I was never afraid to kiss her or tell her I loved her in front of my friends and kiss her. She was my best friend, my mother, and our relationship was/is amazing. Now that she is gone, and I don't share the true understanding of my grief with many, I let myself cry when I need to, I let myself laugh, LOUD! I let myself look at the sky and think of her. I lived.
The day I found out my mom passed away it was my father's birthday, though in the States, it was still the day before. I never once asked God, "Why?" Though if I did, it would be natural. Instead I began to thank Him for the time I shared with my mother, seriously, I did. We all know, tomorrow isn't promised or guaranteed but let me tell you again, tomorrow IS NOT promised or guaranteed. My mother and I knew we loved each other, we knew about our special bond. I love you was replaced by, "Okay I'll talk to you later, muuuah!", a while ago. I love means alot to me it always has, but again it's like the 90's rock song by Xtreme says, what if you couldn't say I love you? Would you be able to show me. My mom sure did, everyday, near or far. I had no feelings of guilt. When I have children of my own it will be bitter sweet. The happiest and saddest day of my life because she was suppose to be with me and Mark holding my hand. Even so, I have no regrets, none. We live to die. My mom was never going to live forever. At some point I would lose her, 29, 39, 49, 59, if not now when? She was always going to die. I take comfort in knowing she lives on in me and she is now with her Father, not just her father, her Lord and Savior. I remain thankful. I still pray and thank God for allowing me to have her as my mom for as long as I did. I thank God! I will not be sorry when I personally know people that lived without their parents far longer than me. Dads, moms, both. I know 2 children, a brother and I sister, that lost their parents in a RV accident while they were on vacation. The children stayed behind and at 6 and 3 they became orphans. Let me repeat myself, I THANK GOD. I do not ask why, it is not for me to ask. My mother lost her dad at 6, another woman close to me was a child when she lost her dad. I thank God. I still have my daddy. Do I want to lose him, of course not! When his time comes can I stop it? Of course not...for that I cherish every moment. I thank God. I am thankful I am living to thank Him.
So, what am I going to do without my mom? Well, she is still with me and I am not dead, yet. Until I am put to rest, I will live. I have so much to live for and no matter what is going on, you do to. We all do. I pray. I take my time. I take baby steps. I lie in bed an extra minute if I need to and then I get up. I get up and I live.
Those that would like to visit my mother's website: http://www.schoedinger.com/obituaries/Pat-Gwilym/
There are so many thank you's that go out and I tried to send them all. For the love, support, condolences, and most of all prayer.
Sorry I was unable to post anything new an exciting about Okinawa for you. I felt I should honor my mom and I know those who read my blog understand. I found out while I was away that I was put on the Kokeshi Roller Dolls team the Sake Bombers and I am super excited. Our colors are green and yellow. My skates should have arrived while I was gone. I will also be receiving my mom's last Christmas gift to Mark and me along with her last letter. I am excited about this as well.
Sayonara from the Scott's, muah!